Therapy and Me: My On and Off Journey

"Owning your shit begins to happen the moment you finally recognize that the common denominator in all your biggest problems is YOU." Elizabeth Gilbert

I'm pretty sure a boy brought me to my therapist's chair the first time. I was a senior in college, in my last semester. I don't remember how I chose her or why but she was the best introduction to therapy I could ever ask for. In the first session, I told her a secret I held my entire life. At that point, I hadn't uttered a word about it to anyone. And I cried and cried.  For many years, I could not cry. I'd try to force myself but the tears wouldn't come. These days, I can't stop the tears from falling. And it's the most therapeutic thing ever.I've evolved so much from my life experiences in the last 10 years. I've had many teachers come into my life in many forms. My therapists, specifically, have helped me peel back a lot of layers and connect a lot of dots.My first therapy session was with a Black woman professor at my university, back in 2009. In those six months of therapy, I'm sure I learned a lot about my 23 year old self. Back then, you really couldn't tell me anything. I was even more rigid than I am now. You couldn't make me do anything I didn't want to. But it wasn't my true self. It was a shield. For what reason and from whom, I don't know. I don't know her anymore.I went maaaaany years without a proper therapist, substituting a seat in an office with reading article after article on Psychology Today.My second therapist was a White lady. I was drawn to her because she looked like Kathy Bates, the actress. Her spirit was warm. When I reached out to her, she was the first to respond and I took that as a great sign. I started seeing her in 2017. I found her through a non-profit called Open Path Psychotherapy Collective. I found out about them through Myleik Teele's podcast, My Taught You. I started seeing this therapist after the death of my grandfather and the end of a "relationship". I was dealing with grief and loss simultaneously and it hit me very hard.I started seeing my current therapist in June of this year, after the sudden and tragic death of one of my cousins. More loss. I finally realized that I didn't know how to cope when I experienced great loss and I needed to, once and for all, figure things out.My current therapist is a Black woman. She is awesome and honest and questioning in all the ways that I need and I am grateful to have found her. With her, I have seen the most progress in myself and I am finally seeing the Light.I talk about therapy so much that I didn't think I'd needed to write this post but I've been getting a lot of inquiries and thought it would be the most helpful to answer questions here. This post is well overdue but I will do my best to share with you what the last 10 years of on and off therapy has taught me and what you need to know, should you decide to get into it for yourself.Is it really important that your therapist is a POC/Black?I think now it is. My second therapist, who was White, was so down to earth and real. I learned a lot from her. But I think there are just some things someone from your same culture can empathize with than someone who isn't from that same culture. There's a bond and relatability that Black women share that cannot be replaced.How did you find your therapist? And how did you know she was a good fit?What I like about Open Path is that there are literally hundreds of therapists at your fingertips. You don't even have to sign up to find one. Go to their website, click on find a therapist, and narrow down based on your needs. Now that is they key. That will help you narrow down the kind of therapist you're looking for.First things first, you need to know WHY you want to go to therapy. For me, I knew I needed someone who was local and who had an office I could go to (not interested in remote but that's also an option). I needed someone who specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), grief, loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, perfectionism and trust issues. Yes, I listed all of that in my inquiry email. After I narrowed down my candidates, I began to do research on each one of them. I looked up their websites, their social media, any articles that was written by them or about them.I knew she was the right person because she felt right to me. I'm a huge energy person and I can tell if I will mesh well with someone even before meeting them. I was spot on with her. I trusted my gut.How much do your sessions cost? How often do you go? Sessions on Open Path are between $30-50. This is not expensive, trust me. I try to go once a week but if not, 3-4 times a month. If the therapist you chose says their rate is $50, you can ask if you can start at $30 and gradually go up. Or you go at your own pace. Maybe you can only budget going twice a month. Trade in one month of gym membership to therapy. Work out from home. The possibilities are endless. Don't let the cost deter you from getting the help you need. After all, we spend far more on things worth way less in the long run.What is psychotherapy and how is it different from regular therapy, psychology or psychiatry?Psychotherapy is what they like to call "talk therapy". Which basically means that they'd prefer to choose a modality (type of therapy treatment) that helps you get to the root of your issues over time. A psychotherapist is not licensed to administer drugs if needed, like a psychiatrist is. Honestly, it's so confusing that the best I can do is send you a link. Research, research, research.It seems intimidating because I don't know what is supposed to happen initially. Do you just sit down and talk about your life or will the therapist ask a series of questions to learn about you?It's up to you what you want to discuss. Make it an interview session. See if they make you feel comfortable sharing your stories with them.What I love about therapy is that their job is to ask the questions that help you come to your own conclusions.Is therapy just for people with a mental illness?Our ancestors went through slavery and we carry that baggage everyday. We ALL need to go.Does Open Path offer/accept insurance?I don't believe so. But apparently, therapy is a tax write off.What are some free resources if I can't afford therapy right now?I'm a HUGE fan of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Episodes on every topic you can think of. Firstly, the founder, Dr. Joy Bradford, is of course a Black woman therapist, based in Atlanta. She has a therapist directory filled with Black women therapists all over the United States. In each podcast episode, she features a fellow therapist and they cover a topic. At the end, she asks each therapist to share resources such as books for the listeners. If you can't afford the books, rent them from the library. And Google is free 99. I still look up articles on Psychology Today when I'm in need of some quick advice.How has therapy changed your life?At first, I can't say it did. I'm only just beginning to see the change. I used to get a lot of anxiety from disappointing people. So I'd do things that would make me uncomfortable or rearrange my life to cater to someone else and end up unhappy and unsatisfied. I don't harbor over trying to figure out what someone is thinking or how they're going to react about my decisions anymore. BIG STRESS RELIEF. I'm learning how to communicate while I'm feeling emotions that used to make me retreat or blow up. I don't react the way I used to in certain situations, because I'm no longer triggered. I've dealt with it. Truly. I am not that same wounded person anymore, operating out of pain. I've worked through it. When I see a trigger, I recognize it, acknowledge it for what it is and deal with it so that I can move on.Who is your therapist? Do you love him/her? Would you recommend/refer him/her?While I do love my therapist, I love her based on the research I did on her through Open Path Collective. I like her because of the connection I instinctively felt. Your experience may not be the same. It's a very personal selection. So I'd encourage you to research for yourself so that you can find someone who matches you.--My therapist is always talking to me about accessing my higher self. (That's going to be the next buzz word, mark my words.) I'll never forget how she dug into me about operating from my lower self. My therapy work is about reaching all of my trapped, negative energy and emotions (that are causing illness in my body) and releasing them from my body in order to heal myself and access my higher self.Therapy has really helped me deep dive into the pretty and ugly sides of myself. To figure out what parts I must accept as my personality and what I'm willing to change or let go in order for my relationships to grow.I hope this information was helpful. If so, share it with someone. Comment and leave me feedback. Feel free to ask more questions in the comments if I forgot to cover something. I'm here to help, always.