fear.

My heart has been racing all day. I really hope I'm not having some sort of panic attack or something. You know when someone startles you? Or when you abruptly wake up from a nightmare? That's how my heart has been feeling all day. I think it's The Fear.

There's something good and bad we could all learn from fear. I've been experiencing it a lot recently. A crippling fear. And as much as I try so that it doesn't, it ultimately wins. It wins in my career decisions, my relationships and in my life decisions. Fear always wins. As a result, I feel like I'm trapped in a never-ending cycle of ordinariness. It's like watching paint dry or your intimates in the spin cycle. How utterly mundane. And this isn't something you discuss with your friends. No. Your friends should be there to support you. Yes. But sometimes, you really don't want to hear a "snap out of it" or "just do it" lecture. It's redundant because you already have that information.

And how can you trust when you have so much fear? Fear of the unknown, fear of the possibilities. "Trust the process"...is that how the saying goes? It's so weird but...I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life. And that says a lot since I've been a scardy cat my entire existence.

I don't even know what I'm mumbling about. I just know I literally feel sick with fear. I don't know, maybe this is just a regular Tuesday. Maybe I'm just over exaggerating. Or, maybe this means something good is coming next. I hope.

 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.Eleanor Roosevelt